Anyone who knows me well recognizes that Norway and I are having a most wonderful love affair. Every now and again, however, I catch a glimpse of some things that make me smile so I have compiled a list of Norway's peccadilloes for you to enjoy. American friends, have fun but be gracious. Norwegian friends, please cover your ears and close your eyes for a wee moment. I'll be back to my exuberant, devoted self soon.
1. What happened to 'th'? It seems to have gone away with the leprechauns because Ireland does the same thing, I mean ting. It's so incredibly cute when powerful, anointed leaders say, "And anodder ting happened...." Irresistible and I love it!
2. The toilet paper is unkind. It is mostly still bark. American toilet paper is softer than Norwegian bath towels (sun-dried, of course) so I'd say we're pretty spoiled on that score.
3. There are very few bathtubs in this country. I can think of one friend who actually has one but judging by the laundry and towels sitting in it, I'd say it goes unused. What a shame. I would probably sell my own mother to have a warm bath right now. I think Norwegians are so stoic that the thought of sitting down to bathe would be too comfortable and time-consuming.
4. Everything is SO expensive here. Ask Sharon. A McDonald's Happy Meal costs the same as a steak dinner at home. With all the cars, boats, sea cabins, mountain cabins, and gorgeous clothing owned by the average Norwegian, I think they can afford it. For an American Missionary of meager means, it is daunting. Jeg er sulten.
5. What's up with the language and its 100 dialects? I want so desperately to learn how to communicate here but how am I supposed to know the difference between one potato or three potatoes at the back of my throat? Or when to roll the r or obfuscate it completely until it is mostly a growl? When I tried to say something in Stavanger once, I was accused of speaking Chinese. Now, that's pretty far off target, I'd say. Also, if you speak a Norwegian word in the presence of ten Norwegians, you will receive ten enthusiastic corrections according to each dialect. Jeg er håpløs.
6. Speaking of håpløs.....Why are Norwegians so angry at their 'o' that they want to strike it out? In America it would mean NOT to say the 'o', right?
7. The washer and dryer scenario here is bleak. Really bleak. Like a good Norwegian, the dryers don't feel it's worth their time to dry anything so everything comes out warm and wet. I think the dryers would rather have you hang it out in the sun where it belongs. The washing machines are teeny tiny wee tings. They can accommodate one pair of jeans, a t-shirt and one sock. (Big points to you, Astrid, for your beautiful American washer and dryer! My pants love you for that!)
8. Chocolate distribution, which is supposed to be so valuable a part of society that it is available upon request, is relegated to Saturdays in Norway. This is part of an actual conversation: "Would you like a piece of chocolate, Ivar?" "No, it's only Wednesday." And he meant it. It's the 11th Commandment and dutiful Norwegians don't break it for fear of punishment. I'm not exactly sure who is doing the punishing but it is a heinous crime to break the Chocolate Sabbath Rule.
9. Norwegians are jet-propelled and they walk everywhere. Good luck trying to keep up with a Norwegian, or a Seevinck, for that matter. My Norwegian grandmother could motor her way around the Mall, let me tell you! I remember thinking she was bionic when I was a child because she could go so fast. She marched up and down hills to the store and back until the day she died in her late 80s. She was a marvel. Also, Elevator is a four-letter word in Norwegian. Just sayin'
10. And last but not least, where do they keep the ice around here? Really, McDonald's dude, will plopping one mostly-still-watery ice cube into my cup actually cool down my Pepsi Max? Is it because Norway is a cold climate zone that you have an aversion to ice? Did your (my) ancestors get so tired of trudging through snow that you just can't bring yourself to embrace the idea of a cold soda? I wouldn't mind so much if the store refrigerators kept the temperature cold enough to chill the drink but, alas, that is too much to hope for. If you see a woman desperately clawing through the Pepsi Max bottles searching for the ONE that may have been put in there first and has the best chance of being the coldest, THAT'S ME! I am an expert at finding it. My addiction drives me.
Ok, so that is a list of ten tings that I mostly love about Norway. Vivien is probably the only other person who thinks this stuff is hilarious, by the way. If she gets a laugh out of this then I'm happy.
The next list will be all of the awesome things that make Norway so easy to love.
Ja, jeg vil elsker dette landet!
